Friday, December 10, 2010

Don't fight in front of your kids! - Boston Globe

Don't fight in front of your kids! - Boston Globe

Don't fight in front of your kids! - Boston Globe

Posted: 09 Dec 2010 02:58 AM PST

Barbara, I need your help. My husband and I are fighting all the time in front of my 3-year-old child. He ended up crying or asking us to stop. Away from that, he became aggressive, especially with me, saying a lot of "no" and sometimes hitting me. I'm feeling so bad because his father accuses me of being responsible for my son's negative behavior.

From: Imane, Dubai

Dear Imane,

The truth is, you are both equally responsible for upsetting your son.

When parents fight often, the fact of the fighting alone is very scary and upsetting to children. OK -- a caveat here. It's not as if parents can NEVER have disagreements in front of their kids. What I am addressing in this answer is consistent fighting of the kind Imane describes.

(1) Young children (well, all ages, really) are very egocentric. On a subconscious level, they are always wondering: "What about me? Am I safe? Who's going to take care of me?" (In fact, some children may even imagine that you are fighting about them, even if you are not, and blame themselves for your fights.) When they see you fight, especially if it happens a lot and if it is loud, it can begin to erode their sense of personal safety: "Maybe I am not safe. Maybe no one will take care of me." If the fighting involves personal violence, of course, that's even more problematic.

(2) When parents fight (again, especially if it's often and loud and angry), the typical child feels more invested in the parent to whom he has a closer attachment. For young children, that tends to be the mother. At the same time, there's a sense of disloyalty to the other parent that makes them feel uncomfortable: ``What about Daddy?"

Your son's aggressive behavior is his way of telling you he's upset. Probably he's feeling a range of emotions that he can't label, let alone understand. He's upset, frustrated, confused, you name it. If you and your husband could translate his behaviors into words, they might be something like this: "I don't like it when you fight, it upsets me. Please stop." That he does it mostly with you is probably because he feels safest with you and he knows that he won't lose your love.

The other reason for his aggression could be that he's imitating behavior he sees. You don't mention that your husband hits you or is physically aggressive with you, but that would be another explanation.

The best thing for your son is for you and your husband to stop fighting in front of him. The second best thing would be for him to see you resolve your disagreements in a peaceable way.

For instance, when you start to get angry with each other, you could say, "We disagree about this. Let's take some time for us to cool off and talk about it later." That would be a very positive role model because it's telling him that adults can disagree without becoming verbally or physically violent. Of course, you and your husband would both have to agree to this strategy. Then when you come back to the issue of the disagreement, do it when you know your son is not going to hear you. Hint: he should be out of the house. Fighting when a child is sleeping is never safe because you could wake him and that's even more frightening to a child.

A strategy like this is in your child's best interest (not to mention your marriage's). Long-term parental conflict has been linked to all sorts of negative behaviors in children: aggression, withdrawal, depression, irritability, psychosomatic illness, regression, sleeplessness and, long-term, insecurity about relationships and inability to manage conflict. Getting some kind of professional marriage counseling would be a good idea.

By the way, that idea of agreeing to disagree? Research shows that even if there is more conflict than you would like, if it is discussed and resolved cooperatively in ways children see, they will fare better than if there is less fighting but it isn't resolved.

Here's one other strategy. Research also shows that it's better for parents to give each other the "silent treatment" -- not talk to each other -- than to fight because kids tend to be oblivious to it. That will backfire, however, if one of you uses the child as the intermediary: "Tell your mother I said...."

I answer a question from a reader every weekday. If you want help with some aspect of child-rearing, just write to me here.

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